Depending on what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with, touring can feel like a vacation. It’s essentially traveling the world and doing what you love with your friends. It’s also hard, tiring work, but according to your Instagram, you’re just out there seeing the sights and having a fuckin' great time. I’ve been both married and in a serious relationship while touring. Something I’ve noticed in both relationships is that when I come home, there’s always a tiny, little, eensey weensey bit of resentment from my partner. Yes, I’ve been working my ass off with a back that’s been killing me and little to no sleep, but to them, I also haven’t been doing the dishes, feeding the dog, or taking out the trash for a month.
My initial instinct when I get home is to take a shower, get in bed, and sleep for three days. My body and brain are exhausted, and I’m ready to not use either for as long as I can. The problem is that your partner has been living their day-to-day life and has been waiting for you to get home to help with all the chores: the house, the pets, the kids, and whatever else needs attention. As my mother would say, “We need to find the balance in the household!” Which translates to: clean up your shit and participate in the day-to-day.
If you’re lucky, you have a partner who has a vague idea of what’s actually happening on tour and will adjust slowly when you return. But not everyone can muster up empathy for someone who they feel has handed them the shit end of the stick to mop y'alls floor with.
I asked my partner for some insight from the other side, and this was her response: “It’s just a different way of living. You definitely need to have a secure attachment style to be with someone who travels for work, meaning you need to be secure enough within yourself to go about life with or without your partner being there. Set aside time for intentional conversations and check-ins with each other. It goes beyond housework and tangible responsibilities and delves into your entire psychological mindset. When you come home, we’ve got to restart intimacy and routines. It’s a process, and it’s worth it, but it absolutely takes work together and separately.”
For touring folks: They’re tired too. They missed you and want their partner back. Do the stuff—clean the toilet, go grocery shopping, empty the dishwasher.
For those at home: It can be jarring to change your daily routine so much between tour and home. Be happy that your person has found what they love and be patient when they return.
Find the balance in the household. It exists.
Comment below. What are your experiences with your partner and touring? Any advice for those struggling? Any relatable stories?
2 comments
Try taking a few days with each other in the town you finish your tour in, and then come home together.
Seems to break the “two separate worlds” thing up a little.
Its tough! For me personally, I needed to learn to lower my expectations. I had a grandiose view of how things should go in the household when Im not around. I had to learn that the things that bother me, don’t bother my partner, and they won’t get “taken care of” and…. that’s ok. I come home, I do not go to sleep right away. (Lucky you!) instead I put things in order as quickly as I can, and keep my brain in its happy (but exhausted) state just a little while longer.